Christmas movies GALORE and more

Sunday, Dec. 8th, 2013

Upheaval. Displaced. Lost. Directionless. Uprooted. Groundless. Bobbing. Nervous. Scared. Uncomfortable. Clueless. Anxious. Pivotal. Vulnerable. Stuck nowhere.

Those are part of the smorgasbord of emotions swirling within my very heart, soul , brain and body.

Being so scattered, makes it difficult to write.

So, yesterday was a day off. I was directionless personified: the ultimate couch potato- watching at least 5 CHRISTMAS MOVIES on Netflix... all perfect, romantic, santa drivel. Perfect medicine for what ails me. Yet, I threw away a DAY OF SUNNY PERFECTION by being indoors.  Nonetheless, the movies were my emotional pain killer for the day. I reveled in it, snoozing through parts of each movie.  An entire day of SIESTA.

There are lots and lots of Christmas tales to watch over decades of Lifetime and ABC Family movies: A Christmas Kiss, Switch-mas, What I want for Christmas, The Christmas Lodge, Pizza Heart, blah blah blah 'buggy bear kissy face' celluloid.

I have always handled the emotional stress in my life by escaping, burrowing under the covers.... being a hermit. That was my coping skill as a child in a home filled with tension with constant parental fighting. It was a sanctuary under my covers and blankets. That was my coping skill as a high schooler.... and when my husband died. I buried myself in my cocoon. I am doing that now. It is my safe place.

Depression? probably. Well deserved, I might add. My psychologist friend would always advise me "If you are going to be depressed: BE DEPRESSED. Swim in it. Wallow in it. Immerse yourself in it.... and then- come out the other side. I must be in my doggy paddle stage.

And, I am plagued by my amazing mis-treatment by the museum where I am a Trustee and just did their fund-raiser. I am hurt, and angry and insulted and feel so disrespected. It is an arena I am having a difficult time reconciling on top of all the other stress I am feeling. This part of my life, and the folks involved with the museum have EATEN a part of my gut...

I am angry, because I am supposed to feel GOOD after giving of myself and my resources. I am supposed to feel like a good guy, and I am not supposed to be made to feel like the BAD guy. That is the point: to feel GOOD. NOT BAD.  And stupid me: I keep going back for more.... when there are so many other non-profits who make me feel privileged when they have my energy. I keep giving because I love the museum site. It should be about the goal: not personalities. It pisses me off, as it is so avoidable.... it is so easy to make a 'giver' feel good. And, there is a lot of energy expanded to avoid that in my case. In basic NON PROFIT 101: the goal is to maintain your fans and create new ones. It is NOT to take your fan and make them an enemy.

So, I am feeling beaten down today.  And, I will welcome the insight which comes from this viewpoint.. hopefully sooner than later.

I miss not being able to watch CBS SUNDAY MORNING, which is eye and mind candy for me each week. I miss my television and cable..... since Mid April! I am feeling a void without my cultural whimsies.

Smiles on this glorious day,

Judy

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